"Sometimes you have to lose yourself to find yourself."
Being on your own sometimes breaks you down, but it can also make you stronger. Learning how to depend on yourself is one of the greatest things you can learn. Sure, people can always help you to get what you want or need, but then how do you know whether or not you could have done it by yourself?
Now, this is going to sound bad, but lately I've been just hanging around by myself while my friends go do the things they do. And you know what? I'm perfectly fine not being included. I like being by myself. I have plenty of time to think, draw, read, watch movies, do things I can't really do when I'm chilling with my friends.
I don't know what right and whats real anymore,
And I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore.
When do you think it will all become clear?
Cause I'm being taken over by the fear.
Lily Allen- the Fear
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
I'm Not Moving
It seems that when someone you love goes away, everything else seems to stop. No, time doesn't actually freeze, but you're just going through the motions. You don't see as clearly or as bright, until that person returns and your life is once again filled with color.
This hazy state is maddening. He's never coming back. Does anybody else really get that he can't and is not coming back?! I'm here, stationary, while everything around me is moving fast. Life will eventually pass, and I've just been frozen. I'll forever be waiting here, in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, this is all a bad dream or a joke or something. At any time he'll jump out and say "Gotcha!" but it's not going to happen.
I'm stuck here while everyone else is moving, because he left. I'm not moving. I will never move.
The Man Who Can't Be Moved- The Script
This hazy state is maddening. He's never coming back. Does anybody else really get that he can't and is not coming back?! I'm here, stationary, while everything around me is moving fast. Life will eventually pass, and I've just been frozen. I'll forever be waiting here, in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, this is all a bad dream or a joke or something. At any time he'll jump out and say "Gotcha!" but it's not going to happen.
I'm stuck here while everyone else is moving, because he left. I'm not moving. I will never move.
The Man Who Can't Be Moved- The Script
Friday, January 23, 2009
College... (dun dun dunnn)
I'm a bit frightened, and totally psyched at the same time! I've been looking at schools all across the country that have good architecture programs as well as others just in case I decide to change my major (hopefully I won't!). I found this really nice school that has awesome Architecture programs as well as tons of art, math and science courses- which is great! And the snag: its the University of Washington State. Far away, yes, but also the home of Starbucks! and only 2 hours from the coast, and an hour from Port Angeles, and located right in Seattle. This is (at this particular moment) my dream college. :D! Yay!
Theres also another great school in Southern California (the Los Angeles area ;) ) and theres a few worth looking into closer to home, but still near the coast, in the Carolinas. I have an idea of where I would like to go to college- somewhere near water, and tons of trees and wildlife. Add in another plus for Washington- it has tons of parks, trails and outdoor activities to keep me active, while not feeling stuck in a small town. :P (No offense to HF-L or Lima, I just feel kind of smothered by small town-ness) Another plus for Washington State: College in the city, but a weekend getaway on the coast where there are no tall buildings or main roads!
-I think I'm getting obsessed...-
Ohmigosh! So today in Civil Engineering & Architecture, Mr. DeCarlo had pulled out all these old blueprints from as early as the 70's. Haha :P But it was totally cool! I found blueprints for the school from 1995, and a plan for this huge house on Rush Mendon Road (The Meisenzahl [sp?] Residence) and it was SICK. I really wish we did that kind of drawing- all by hand- in class instead of on the computer where I don't know how to do anything, I haven't really "made" anything because I don't know how to render my projects. It sucks being dumb in this area. So anyways, I sent a bunch of pictures to mom on my phone :P haha. Oh, that reminds me- I gotta find some money for dinner tonight.... :/ eek! Eh, oh well. Skiing should be fun tonight. It's sunny outside right now and the skies are kind of clear, so hopefully it won't be too cold! :)
Uncle Jim's hat won't fit my head. :P It's as tight as it will go too! Haha, man I thought my head was bigger...
Today's song is: My Life Would Suck Without You- Kelly Clarkson
I love it- its so fun and upbeat and it makes me want to just stop what I'm doing, turn up my music, and DANCE. Ah, I love music like this. I think you might want to go listen now :)
Theres also another great school in Southern California (the Los Angeles area ;) ) and theres a few worth looking into closer to home, but still near the coast, in the Carolinas. I have an idea of where I would like to go to college- somewhere near water, and tons of trees and wildlife. Add in another plus for Washington- it has tons of parks, trails and outdoor activities to keep me active, while not feeling stuck in a small town. :P (No offense to HF-L or Lima, I just feel kind of smothered by small town-ness) Another plus for Washington State: College in the city, but a weekend getaway on the coast where there are no tall buildings or main roads!
-I think I'm getting obsessed...-
Ohmigosh! So today in Civil Engineering & Architecture, Mr. DeCarlo had pulled out all these old blueprints from as early as the 70's. Haha :P But it was totally cool! I found blueprints for the school from 1995, and a plan for this huge house on Rush Mendon Road (The Meisenzahl [sp?] Residence) and it was SICK. I really wish we did that kind of drawing- all by hand- in class instead of on the computer where I don't know how to do anything, I haven't really "made" anything because I don't know how to render my projects. It sucks being dumb in this area. So anyways, I sent a bunch of pictures to mom on my phone :P haha. Oh, that reminds me- I gotta find some money for dinner tonight.... :/ eek! Eh, oh well. Skiing should be fun tonight. It's sunny outside right now and the skies are kind of clear, so hopefully it won't be too cold! :)
Uncle Jim's hat won't fit my head. :P It's as tight as it will go too! Haha, man I thought my head was bigger...
Today's song is: My Life Would Suck Without You- Kelly Clarkson
I love it- its so fun and upbeat and it makes me want to just stop what I'm doing, turn up my music, and DANCE. Ah, I love music like this. I think you might want to go listen now :)
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
A Little Odd..?
Forgive my babbling, I feel like I need to get this off my chest.
Just recently, I bought the first book in the Twilight series. I read it in one day. I love books like this; stories that have legends of vampires and werewolves that actually exist in our world- they aren't just figures of our imagination. However, I've never felt this sad after reading a book. After reading Twilight and New Moon, I find myself desperately wishing that vampires like Edward Cullen and his family, and werewolves like Jacob and his pack actually existed. After reading Harry Potter, I hoped that somewhere, magic actually was practised and that I could someday find it. But this Twilight series made me terribly upset because the story was just so perfectly written, I could play out everything in my head. Now I feel like there's a hole that I can't fill because stories like this are just that: stories and nothing more. And after I was done reading both of the first two books, I cried because I knew I was being ridiculous. Things like this don't actually happen. Stephenie Meyer made this up from her imagination, and it would never come true no matter how much I wish it would.
Since there are four books in the series and I've only read two, I'm driving myself nuts trying to get my hands on the third and fourth books. I want to know if Bella ends up marrying Edward, if Victoria is finally caught and killed, if Jacob forgives Bella, and if Bella finally gets her wish of becoming a vampire. (There are plenty more questions, but too many more to list)
I feel like I need to grow up because even if I describe how I feel to my friends, they won't understand. I've always wanted to believe that theres magic and mystical things in our world that we don't know about. I want to find it and prove that vampires, werewolves, witches, wizards, magic, fairies, trolls, all that fairytale stuff actually exist.
Now I'm thinking I belong in a rubber room, because only crazy talk like this. Maybe it's unhealthy for me to encourage thinking things like this by reading books that contain these characters I wish were alive so badly... Not much of what I said even compares to the thoughts that race through my mind when I think of the possibilities that things like this are real. All of this is just scattered, general thoughts, but I feel it relates enough to what I'm feeling inside.
Hopefully after I read the remaining books in the series, this feeling will go away. I don't favor it too much. I feel sad and depressed because my imagination runs wild with the thoughts of how much I want these things to be real.
Why did I have to be so obsessed with the supernatural?!
I blame Disney for planting these ideas in my head. :/
Just recently, I bought the first book in the Twilight series. I read it in one day. I love books like this; stories that have legends of vampires and werewolves that actually exist in our world- they aren't just figures of our imagination. However, I've never felt this sad after reading a book. After reading Twilight and New Moon, I find myself desperately wishing that vampires like Edward Cullen and his family, and werewolves like Jacob and his pack actually existed. After reading Harry Potter, I hoped that somewhere, magic actually was practised and that I could someday find it. But this Twilight series made me terribly upset because the story was just so perfectly written, I could play out everything in my head. Now I feel like there's a hole that I can't fill because stories like this are just that: stories and nothing more. And after I was done reading both of the first two books, I cried because I knew I was being ridiculous. Things like this don't actually happen. Stephenie Meyer made this up from her imagination, and it would never come true no matter how much I wish it would.
Since there are four books in the series and I've only read two, I'm driving myself nuts trying to get my hands on the third and fourth books. I want to know if Bella ends up marrying Edward, if Victoria is finally caught and killed, if Jacob forgives Bella, and if Bella finally gets her wish of becoming a vampire. (There are plenty more questions, but too many more to list)
I feel like I need to grow up because even if I describe how I feel to my friends, they won't understand. I've always wanted to believe that theres magic and mystical things in our world that we don't know about. I want to find it and prove that vampires, werewolves, witches, wizards, magic, fairies, trolls, all that fairytale stuff actually exist.
Now I'm thinking I belong in a rubber room, because only crazy talk like this. Maybe it's unhealthy for me to encourage thinking things like this by reading books that contain these characters I wish were alive so badly... Not much of what I said even compares to the thoughts that race through my mind when I think of the possibilities that things like this are real. All of this is just scattered, general thoughts, but I feel it relates enough to what I'm feeling inside.
Hopefully after I read the remaining books in the series, this feeling will go away. I don't favor it too much. I feel sad and depressed because my imagination runs wild with the thoughts of how much I want these things to be real.
Why did I have to be so obsessed with the supernatural?!
I blame Disney for planting these ideas in my head. :/
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Heavy, Heaving Sobs
Sometimes you just have those days where you have to just sit around and bawl your eyes out. Rare they can and should be. It can be a song, a certain smell, or a special memory that brings it on so suddenly, and often times, in the worst place imaginable.
Luckily today's that day, when I have the comfort of my own home and no one to stare and think "What's wrong with her?" I can sit on my bed and cry till the tears run out. I can look through all of the pictures, all of the things that remind me of him, and I can just cry. I can cry until my sleeves are soaked with tears, my eyes are red, my cheeks are dried & stained, and I'm exhausted from sobbing. I can bawl my eyes out until I can't find my voice, so I sit in the silence and think. Afterward, you feel better, but not by much. You're still sad and it seems like it could go on forever, because you don't have the ability to forget. "What If...?" is constantly running through your mind, but that's all it is: "What If?" You can't change what happened, and nothing can be done. Then you think "He wouldn't want me to be sad." So you try your best to be happy and do exciting things, anything to get your mind off it. And it does work; for a little while anyways. Then you're back to being sad, and it goes on in a never ending cycle.
Although you can be sad & depressed some days, its rare when you're in that state where everything sucks and you just cry all day. And thank God they only happen occasionally because if you cried like this all the time, you'd be too tired and sad to do anything fun or happy at all.
Today's song is "Gotta Be Somebody" by Nickelback.
"Nobody wants to go it on their own and everyone wants to know they're not alone. You can't give up."
I'll be listening to this all day on repeat, and the sad feelings will pass.
Tomorrow will be a better day.
Luckily today's that day, when I have the comfort of my own home and no one to stare and think "What's wrong with her?" I can sit on my bed and cry till the tears run out. I can look through all of the pictures, all of the things that remind me of him, and I can just cry. I can cry until my sleeves are soaked with tears, my eyes are red, my cheeks are dried & stained, and I'm exhausted from sobbing. I can bawl my eyes out until I can't find my voice, so I sit in the silence and think. Afterward, you feel better, but not by much. You're still sad and it seems like it could go on forever, because you don't have the ability to forget. "What If...?" is constantly running through your mind, but that's all it is: "What If?" You can't change what happened, and nothing can be done. Then you think "He wouldn't want me to be sad." So you try your best to be happy and do exciting things, anything to get your mind off it. And it does work; for a little while anyways. Then you're back to being sad, and it goes on in a never ending cycle.
Although you can be sad & depressed some days, its rare when you're in that state where everything sucks and you just cry all day. And thank God they only happen occasionally because if you cried like this all the time, you'd be too tired and sad to do anything fun or happy at all.
Today's song is "Gotta Be Somebody" by Nickelback.
"Nobody wants to go it on their own and everyone wants to know they're not alone. You can't give up."
I'll be listening to this all day on repeat, and the sad feelings will pass.
Tomorrow will be a better day.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Overrated?!
Last night on the way home from Mimi & Papa's mom said Christmas is "overrated" and that she's skipping it this year.
WHAT IS THAT!?!? So, I'm going to pick up the slack, and do whatever it takes to get my mom in the Christmas spirit. I'll be playing Christmas music as soon as Thanksgiving is over*, I'll decorate the house, make tons of Hot Cocoa and Christmas cookies, Sean & I will decorate the tree, I'll help dad put the lights up around the house, Sean & I will build snowmen, snow angels, snow forts, EVERYTHING.
We are not skipping Christmas this year.
We. Are. Not.
:) End of story.
*I don't like to celebrate the next holiday, until the current one has ended. It bugs me when theres Christmas music on the radio and Thanksgiving hasn't even started yet.
WHAT IS THAT!?!? So, I'm going to pick up the slack, and do whatever it takes to get my mom in the Christmas spirit. I'll be playing Christmas music as soon as Thanksgiving is over*, I'll decorate the house, make tons of Hot Cocoa and Christmas cookies, Sean & I will decorate the tree, I'll help dad put the lights up around the house, Sean & I will build snowmen, snow angels, snow forts, EVERYTHING.
We are not skipping Christmas this year.
We. Are. Not.
:) End of story.
*I don't like to celebrate the next holiday, until the current one has ended. It bugs me when theres Christmas music on the radio and Thanksgiving hasn't even started yet.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Christmas!
Aunt Kate & Mimi: here's a list of what I would like for Christmas- :)
(Perfume)
Real by American Eagle
Princess by Vera Wang
(Art Stuff)
Prismacolor Pencils- the waxy kind, not the fine point
White drawing paper
Watercolor pencils/ or just watercolor paints
(Movies)
The Village
The Happening
Sweeney Todd :)
Wall-e
Disney Movies [Peter Pan, Alice in Wonderland, the Little Mermaid, Cinderella, 101 Dalmations Etc.]
(Clothing/ Outerwear)
Jeans
Long sleeve shirts
Sweaters (fitted or like boyfriend sweaters)
sweatpants (nice and big!)
pajama pants (longggg)
Gloves [not like ski gloves]
Winter Hats
Boots
CONVERSE! :) lowtops
(Misc.)
Ipod Headphones!
Itunes giftcards
Body Lotion
Chapstick/ LipBalm
Nail Polish (O.P.I.)
*This list is not complete; I may add to it depending on what I forgot :P
Thanks :]
(Perfume)
Real by American Eagle
Princess by Vera Wang
(Art Stuff)
Prismacolor Pencils- the waxy kind, not the fine point
White drawing paper
Watercolor pencils/ or just watercolor paints
(Movies)
The Village
The Happening
Sweeney Todd :)
Wall-e
Disney Movies [Peter Pan, Alice in Wonderland, the Little Mermaid, Cinderella, 101 Dalmations Etc.]
(Clothing/ Outerwear)
Jeans
Long sleeve shirts
Sweaters (fitted or like boyfriend sweaters)
sweatpants (nice and big!)
pajama pants (longggg)
Gloves [not like ski gloves]
Winter Hats
Boots
CONVERSE! :) lowtops
(Misc.)
Ipod Headphones!
Itunes giftcards
Body Lotion
Chapstick/ LipBalm
Nail Polish (O.P.I.)
*This list is not complete; I may add to it depending on what I forgot :P
Thanks :]
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Here We Go Again,
My teammate and I are arguing the affirmative for the death penalty. Whether it be the electric chair, or death by lethal injection- I'm all for it. Woo. Hoo. Haha, it should be interesting to see how well we can argue that the death penalty is justified (Etc.) Again, with the topic of death.
I'm so excited for tomorrow! After school Chelsea and I are going to get her haircut, and then we're going to see a movie. (Nope, its not Twilight) Its BOLT! Ah, I'm so excited- I love John Travolta.
Well I have to go. Bye! :]
I'm so excited for tomorrow! After school Chelsea and I are going to get her haircut, and then we're going to see a movie. (Nope, its not Twilight) Its BOLT! Ah, I'm so excited- I love John Travolta.
Well I have to go. Bye! :]
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)