Heavy, Heaving Sobs

Sometimes you just have those days where you have to just sit around and bawl your eyes out. Rare they can and should be. It can be a song, a certain smell, or a special memory that brings it on so suddenly, and often times, in the worst place imaginable.

Luckily today's that day, when I have the comfort of my own home and no one to stare and think "What's wrong with her?" I can sit on my bed and cry till the tears run out. I can look through all of the pictures, all of the things that remind me of him, and I can just cry. I can cry until my sleeves are soaked with tears, my eyes are red, my cheeks are dried & stained, and I'm exhausted from sobbing. I can bawl my eyes out until I can't find my voice, so I sit in the silence and think. Afterward, you feel better, but not by much. You're still sad and it seems like it could go on forever, because you don't have the ability to forget. "What If...?" is constantly running through your mind, but that's all it is: "What If?" You can't change what happened, and nothing can be done. Then you think "He wouldn't want me to be sad." So you try your best to be happy and do exciting things, anything to get your mind off it. And it does work; for a little while anyways. Then you're back to being sad, and it goes on in a never ending cycle.

Although you can be sad & depressed some days, its rare when you're in that state where everything sucks and you just cry all day. And thank God they only happen occasionally because if you cried like this all the time, you'd be too tired and sad to do anything fun or happy at all.

Today's song is "Gotta Be Somebody" by Nickelback.
"Nobody wants to go it on their own and everyone wants to know they're not alone. You can't give up."
I'll be listening to this all day on repeat, and the sad feelings will pass.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

Overrated?!

Last night on the way home from Mimi & Papa's mom said Christmas is "overrated" and that she's skipping it this year.
WHAT IS THAT!?!? So, I'm going to pick up the slack, and do whatever it takes to get my mom in the Christmas spirit. I'll be playing Christmas music as soon as Thanksgiving is over*, I'll decorate the house, make tons of Hot Cocoa and Christmas cookies, Sean & I will decorate the tree, I'll help dad put the lights up around the house, Sean & I will build snowmen, snow angels, snow forts, EVERYTHING.
We are not skipping Christmas this year.
We. Are. Not.
:) End of story.


*I don't like to celebrate the next holiday, until the current one has ended. It bugs me when theres Christmas music on the radio and Thanksgiving hasn't even started yet.

Christmas!

Aunt Kate & Mimi: here's a list of what I would like for Christmas- :)

(Perfume)
Real by American Eagle
Princess by Vera Wang

(Art Stuff)
Prismacolor Pencils- the waxy kind, not the fine point
White drawing paper
Watercolor pencils/ or just watercolor paints

(Movies)
The Village
The Happening
Sweeney Todd :)
Wall-e
Disney Movies [Peter Pan, Alice in Wonderland, the Little Mermaid, Cinderella, 101 Dalmations Etc.]

(Clothing/ Outerwear)
Jeans
Long sleeve shirts
Sweaters (fitted or like boyfriend sweaters)
sweatpants (nice and big!)
pajama pants (longggg)
Gloves [not like ski gloves]
Winter Hats
Boots
CONVERSE! :) lowtops

(Misc.)
Ipod Headphones!
Itunes giftcards
Body Lotion
Chapstick/ LipBalm
Nail Polish (O.P.I.)

*This list is not complete; I may add to it depending on what I forgot :P
Thanks :]

Here We Go Again,

My teammate and I are arguing the affirmative for the death penalty. Whether it be the electric chair, or death by lethal injection- I'm all for it. Woo. Hoo. Haha, it should be interesting to see how well we can argue that the death penalty is justified (Etc.) Again, with the topic of death.

I'm so excited for tomorrow! After school Chelsea and I are going to get her haircut, and then we're going to see a movie. (Nope, its not Twilight) Its BOLT! Ah, I'm so excited- I love John Travolta.

Well I have to go. Bye! :]

Quarter Finals!

We won against East High yesterday. :] I'm so excited, I really hope we do well and atleast win one game tomorrow. We're playing Victor... [dun dun dunnnn] I think I'm one of the only ones on the team that want to keep playing, and actually try to win. What a great attitude eh?
Mom leaves tomorrow for Wisconsin, so I get to hand out candy again this year. I'm making Jake come over so I won't be bored while Sean's out trick-or-treating, and dad's across the street with the Holsopple's. :p haha, then after Halloween on Friday, I get to fly to CHICAGO! and spend the weekend with Aunt Kate. Yay! I'm so psyched.
There was snow ouside this morning. Why?!?! I hate snow :[ . It's cold, and wet, and white, and not warm! Don't get me wrong, it's pretty and everything, but I dislike it very, very much. Its freezing out today, blahhh. Ooh! After school I'm walking up to the graveyard on Clover St. to take photos for Photo cuz the 10 weeks is next week... Yikes!
I joined the Vegetarian/ Vegan Club this week. I may not be either, but I'm supporting the cause; which is good because the club isn't just about not eating animal products, but about saving animal rights, and being against animal testing, etc. Next week we're making posters to put up around the school.
This is quite possibly the most random post so far... aha, I'm still going!
Today in Civil Engineering I was going through all the pictures my mom has up on Shutterfly and I'm amazed at how many albums she has. Theres like, 80 different albums! It was ridiculous, some of the pictures I haven't even seen yet like the ones from Sandy & Andrew's Wedding. Ah, most of the pictures were in warm weather :/ it made me want summer back, haha.
Yeah, so I really don't want to do gym today. I don't feel like working out in the weight room, I'm a wee bit on the lazy side. :P Oh, I hope my mom e-mailed mimi about the film... Momma? :) haha.
I love October: All the good Halloween movies start playing on AMC and FX and ABC Family. I watched the new "the Omen" last night- omg! it was creeeeeepyyyyy! Monday night I watched "Panic Room" and that was amazing! OOh! And on Halloween, all day, Rob Zombie is hosting the Fear Fest '08 or w/e it is and all day they're playing the scariest movies on AMC. I wanna stay home and watch!

Well, theres the bell.
Lunch time! :]

Vs. Brighton

Our last home game is today, and we're playing Brighton. We beat Honeoye by 1 game yesterday, and we played ALL 5 GAMES. Not so good... My thumb still hurts too :[ I can't text with it! Aha, I was so good at eating cereal with my left hand last night, it was ridiculous. Back on topic: We made sectionals! I'm excited, although I can't really speak for anyone else on the team. :P Nobody really wants to go, but I do. I was so mad I hurt my thumb last night, I almost let loose a "bad word" on the court. I set a ball that got hit over and Ohmigod, I didn't feel the pain at first then all it was, was searing pain in my thumb. Not good. If it screws up my playing time today I'm not going to be a happy camper.
I get to go home today though! The powderpuff game was cancelled, so silly us, thinking our game was going to go back to when it was supposed to be. [there was this whole conflict where we had to either wait till 7:30 or play in the B-gym because of the powderpuff game] Nah, we're still playing at the same time. Atleast I get to eat! Haha, I never have any good food with me after school.
Clare's Halloween party is tomorrow! OMG I'm so excited :D! Im gonna be a mobstahh haha. Big bags of money and a pimpin' hat. Oh so much fun.
Well, I'll write later cuz the sets almost over... I took like a 10 minute "bathroom break" to walk around with jake and chill with roya.
Peace :]

Your love will light my way, your memory will ever be with me

Speech & Debate is kind of morbid....

First we do a Eulogy, now we have to memorize an Epitaph. There are tons from this book he has [Mr. Luxemburg] and there are some that are related, others are just random. I guess some guy just went through gravestones and made up stories for how the person died...? I don't know, but we have to make a gravestone, and all this other stuff. Yeah, that's about all I wanted to say [haha, like 2 seconds after my last post :p ].

La la la, I'm hungry!
Lunch is in 5 minutes too. Woohoo! Blahh, yeah I'm done. Bye!

Re: "Swishy Pants"

Yesterday at Bloomfield, Chelsea and I were warming up when the Varsity team came runninbg out to warm up. I'm not paying attention to them because I'm too busy dancing around with Chelsea. Next thing I know, I hear the "swish swish swish" of their pants as they run. I turned to Papa [he comes to almost every game :) ] and said: "OMG PAPA! THEY HAVE SWISHY PANTS!" At first I don't think he got it, then I had to remind him: "in Aunt Kate's blog! The Swishy Pants!" Then he starts to laugh, and I laugh, and Chelsea's just standing there wondering why her best friend's going nuts over some pants. Even though we lost, I was in a good mood. All because of those swishy pants. :]

-Hopefully we don't lose to Bath today...





again.


Peace out! :D

Delicious Tacos

It was COLD this morning! I'm out there while its sprinkling, waiting for the bus, and struggling to pull my hoodie over my head. So obviously, Jerry takes his sweet time rounding the corner down the street while were huddled together shivering. Haha Jerry!
Photo was okay, [I have that 1st set] and i developed a picture of mom's chiminea [sp?] and it looks sweet! Although, I have a real problem with the fixer, I always get it on my clothes in random splotches; which when it dries it turns yellow, and Malachi always finds it hilarious. I'm laughing hysterically, let me tell you. :p Then Chem was good, [ugh, I should really do my labs...] and I skipped Civil Engineering & Architecture today. Then there was English- I took the Macbeth final test. OMG! Mrs. Borrelli let us listen to our Ipods while we were taking the test! BAH! It was awesome! I really hope I did as good as I thought I did...
I don't like Speech and Debate right now. I have no friends in that class. At all. Except for Max, but he doesn't count as like, one of my really good friends which of whom I love [Ex. Chelsea, Roya, Cara, Clare, Ireland etc.] So, we're doing a Sales Pitch and I get to work with the exchange student Mariya from the Ukraine. Fun right? Yeah, not my cup of tea. She doesn't talk loud enough and her english is so broken I have a lot of trouble understanding her. Plus, I'd feel more comfortable with someone I can connect with on some level, that way its not so awkward. I'd love to do well on this project and work well with Mariya but its hard. I'm already pushing myself to be in a class where I have no idea what I'm doing which is amazing for me, but this is hard, because its all the people that are in the opposite end of the swimming pool. Ugh, why do I have to try new things?! :P
The rest of the day went ok, I talked to Max in the lunch line, had lunch with Steph, and went to Pre- Calc. That class is hilarious! Theres Kelly, Shawn, Joey, Alexandra, and Julie. Ha, we nag on Joey so much its hilarious. Its like, mad easy too. Then after Pre- Calc I had to go all the way to the 2nd floor A-wing for U.S. History. We took a quiz, it was ridiculously easy [cause I studied! ;) -mom] So school ended, and I was staying after for Volleyball pracice [4-5!] haha, so I was chillin in the cafeteria with chelsea, emily, kaleigh, morgan, gabby, the JV morgan [not my neighbor, theres like 3 morgans on JV. Its ridiculous] and we were just goofing around then I got bored so I went to the photo room and developed some photos. Then there was practice, blah blah blah my day went on and on.

Finally practiced ended, I went home and ate lots of food, washed my game stuff, did hw, and watched the VP Debate.

Palin wants to take Polar Bears off the Endangered Species list just so she can drill in Alaska. Not. Cool.

Look how adorable they are!

Random Note:

For the past couple of days, I find myself really wanting tacos for dinner. Mmm, delicious tacos. Chicken or beef, I don't care, but man, I really want a taco!

Well, I should go. Mariya and I need to work on our "Sales Pitch" thing..... Woo! Chicago in one month! Ooh, and Halloween! I'm so excited, my friend Clare is having a Halloween Party & I'm so psyched!

Okay, bye! :]

Mananananananana BATMAN!

Yes, its true. Today is SUPERHERO DAY! haha, man do I love this school. Of course, everyone who actually dresses up is a complete loser but hey, its what I do. :p Ha, I'm Batman today, if you couldn't tell. Everyone dressed up as Batman.... Not Cool guys. Monday was Sports Day, Tuesday was Hippie Day [lame] today is Superhero Day, Tomorrow is 80's Day [:D!] and Friday is SPIRIT DAY! Its upsetting though how no one dresses up for spirit week anymore. :[
Anyways, I'm in Civil Engineering right now, and theres a sub. Mmmmhm, I spent 2 1/2 hours last night finishing up my project, and HE'S NOT HERE. Urg! So the sub was like, "finish your project if you haven't already." And I'm like "Are you kidding me?!" I spend an hour and a half on the bus to Bath yesterday, watched JV lose, then we lost [wt?! its BATH] and then spent an hour and a half on the way home istening to heavy metal and screamo. Oh, and we listened to Coach tell us over and over about how "he'd never see the day when we lost to bath, how we've punished ourselves enough, and the embarrassment we'll face tomorrow telling everyone we lost to Bath. Not. Cool.
So, today is a day for me to be all "woo!" and therefore:
OMG YAY! I developed my film today! I did so well, granted I took 15 minutes in the dark dark room, and then I cut off maggie's butt in the last photo, but it was fun! I was dancing the whole time i was adding fixer, stop and developer. :) haha, man I love my life. I ran down the hall this morning singing "Mananananananananananana BATMAN!!!" and people just stared. All my friends are like "omg I love you." Haha, yeahh, I'm cool.
Well, I have nothing to do right now, sooo yup. That's my story for today.

Speech & Debate

We have to write a Eulogy. Ironic, he gives us the assignment the week of the 1 year anniversary of Uncle Jim's death. I've decided I want to speak about Uncle Jim, that way everybody can know a little bit about him, and think "Hey, she had a pretty cool uncle."
I miss him. That day I didn't cry. Mom cried, Mimi and Papa cried, Aunt Kate cried, and I'm sure many others cried as well, but not me. I got to watch a kitten whose front paws don't work, roll around & push himself across the floor to play with his owner. I played in the big HF-L vs Livonia game, and we lost 3-1. I came home and watched my mom tear up then breakdown. I still didn't cry. I still feel like I have to be the one who doesn't cry, the one that has to be strong for everyone else. I don't like being sad, I really don't. I wanted to cry, I wanted to just sit against my locker on the floor and just bawl my eyes out. I teared up a little when Kevin asked me what was wrong then just hugged me till I felt better.

I don't want to be sad, but I am.
I want to make everything better, but I can't.
I want to go back in time and somehow find a way to fix what was broken, and I know thats impossible.
I want him here, I wish it had never happend to us.
But thats not how it works, we have to live with it everyday, and hope that it'll get better as time goes on.
I guess I'll have to be a bit more patient, because it still hurts to much to think, to wonder "if."

I love you Uncle Jim, and I miss you every day.
Theres not a day that goes by where I don't grab the heart around my neck and wish you were still here.
"Where'd all the good people go?"

:[

So I guess I had a bad dream yesterday night. I was staying up late because I wanted to watch the WWE shows we've recorded before Sean deleted them. So, I'm staying up as late as I can and I fall asleep. Now, this is the part where I have my bad dream; well, my mom says it was a bad one so I'll take her word for it. Here's my dream:

I was sitting at the end of the kitchen table at Mimi's house where my dad sits every Sunday. Then to my left, where Mimi normally sits is Uncle Jim, and next to him is Aunt Kate. Were all talking and laughing, then I guess I'm eating something so there I am talking and sitting with whatever I'm eating. Then Uncle Jim asks for a piece of whatever I'm eating so I rip off a piece of my food and give it to him. Now I notice Aunt Kate's looking at me weird and then she starts to cry, so I give her the "What are you giving me that look for?" look, and I look back to where Uncle Jim is supposed to be, and he's not there anymore. Then I start crying along with Aunt Kate. Then I wake up and I'm bawling my eyes out at like, 3 in the morning.
Not the most pleasant dream I've had, but I didn't think it was bad. That's like, the first dream I've had with him in it since he passed away.
:[
Next Wednesday is the 1 year "anniversary" of his passing away. [Already?!] I have to play Livonia; HF-L's main rivals that same day. Not fun. This week has not started out great for me.



Oh, won't this be fun.

Vs. Byron- Bergen

It did not go too well in the "winning" department. However, we played phenomenally and I was able to start and play in each of the three games. [I went back row for Camaryn when she was done in the front row] I also had an AMAZING kill; I was like "WOAH! Where did that come from?!?!" I was practically shaking. Coach is proud of me for doing what he asked and playing well. Hopefully I'll do well in practice so I'm able to (partially) start again. :] It was a lot of fun.

Tonight I'm missing Unforgiven. Its sad that I'm a junior in high school and I loooove WWE. I was so upset when I found out I couldn't go. Sean is still there, and I'm here. WOO stinkin HOO. It'll be one of my goals from now on to go to a WWE match whether its Friday Night Smackdown or Monday Night RAW or a combinatioln of all three: Smackdown, RAW or TNA. Yep, I will go to a show if my life depends on it. Which it does.

So I'm off to buy some more music, shower, then go to bed. Because Kirsten is sleeeeeepppyyyyy. [yawn] See? Haha, G'night. :D

Varsity!

Yay! I made the Varsity Volleyball Team! I'm sooo happy, I do believe I would have cried if I hadn't made it.
Ah, today is good. I have two new books to read before school starts :] and my brother and I are watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer! Oh, happy day. Ooh! Plus I made brownies and theres Apple Cinnamon French Toast sticks in the freezer! :D!
I so totally love my life right now.
And right now, at this very moment I'm uploading pictures from Clare's birthday party up in the Adirondacks. Awoot woot.



I'm not that great at summing things up and putting in conclusions soooo, yeah.
Bye!

Goal Sheets

Bore me. :P But anyways, Tryouts seemed to go a lot faster today than they did yesterday. Today he had us work on our serving: 20 had to be within the foul line [basketball court] & the end line of the volleyball court, 20 had to fall short & be before the attack line, then 10 had to go deep, and have top spin. It. Was. HARD. Then we worked on our blocking & our passing skills. At the end coach pulled us all into a circle while he talked. And talked. And talked some more. :P He pointed out that I was the only one that almost hated him, in front of everyone, which blew because he said the other girl that said he almost hated him had apologized. HA! I just stood there and said "Almost." Don't get me wrong, he's an amazing coach and I could learn so much from him, I just find him disagreeable... I think that's how I would put it. Tomorrow's the last day of tryouts though, so I can just grin and bear it. I really hope that I make the team. I'm pretty sure I would die of boredom and school work if I didn't have a fall sport to do. Plus, I'd be way out of shape & I'd be miserable. So, fingers crossed!

Today was fun. I woke up around 11:30 am. Hehe :] I ate some of my favorite breakfast in the world [apple cinnamon French toast!] while I watched Ella Enchanted on Disney Channel. Picked Chelsea up, I drove us to practice [I'm actually kind of getting good at it!] then came home to shower and head over to Mimi & Papa's for dinner. My Papa's cousin Anthony and his wife Lynn and daughter Lily are here for a visit. It was a ton of fun, we had shishkabobs [?], I tried Lamb [ick.] without knowing it. After dinner, Mimi, Lynn, Lily and I went to Borders. I found a great cookbook for my friend Clare, since she's a vegan and she can't have any animal products whatsoever. I'm going back to buy that once i cash my checks, plus i get to use a coupon! Haha. I bought four comic books: one Scooby Doo, two Batman, and one Looney Toons for my friend Chelsea. I plan on giving it to her after she makes the Varsity Volleyball team. I also bought two books from the Clique Series: "The Pretty Committee Strikes Back" and "Bratfest at Tiffany's." I've read them all out of order so I'm missing some crucial moments, but I'm hopefully going to be all caught up by the time school rolls around because I hardly read at all during the school year. Who has time? After we got back from Borders, we all had dessert; raspberries in cream. I liked the raspberry part, but the cream part sort of tasted like a cheese and the texture was all funky so i just at the raspberries and Lily finished off the cream left over.

I learned how to play Poker tonight! I'm so excited, I learned Five Draw, Five open and Seven open [terminology?]. Lily, Anthony and I played for about an hour & a half, and it was hilarious. Lily and I had the same cards 2 or 3 times during the games. The last game we played; Seven open, we had two cards face down, then three cards facing up, and those three cards were all the same. Anthony was laughing so hard, then we all fell into a fit of laughter. Everybody else was in the living room watching the Olympics. :P


Well, I do believe I have to get this goal sheet in by tomorrow at practice so I've posted all I wanted to today. Tomorrow's post will most likely be about the Adirondacks and how I did in tryouts. Night! :)

First Day

of Varsity Volleyball Tryouts. Man, it was insane. Coach "Yucko" made us run 1 1/2 miles in less than 14 minutes, and I couldn't even use my Ipod! I was practically dying by the end because I had to sing aloud to keep a steady, constant pace. Well, I don't believe i can finish this post because the power is flickering on & off. I'll post in the morning. :] Night.